I would like to reminisce how much I've changed since I graduated in High School.
Let's see. First i feel miserable. Why? I don't really know. Two, i feel awkward around people compared to when i was in High School that i was even called "Everyone's Bestfriend". Three, i feel lazy to talk to people but when i was in High School i could talk to you overnight and still enjoy it! Four, i don't completely trust people anymore compare to when i used to give my all to people i love.
Now i'll try to rationalize my honest admissions above.
First is why do i feel miserable? Maybe one answer is that i feel alone. I'm away from my family and my closest friends. I remember in High School, everytime i felt i couldn't take the stress anymore, i just go home to Basilan and i go back to Ateneo anew and ready to face whatever was haunting me. Here, it is very difficult to go home to Zamboanga, i can't even go home during breaks and holidays. What with 12 hours of tracking that really drains all my energy. I don't get the time to destress. I'd like to remember my everyday reminder when i was in High School and that is to "Appreciate the little things and find happiness in them".
I feel awkward around people. Maybe this is the effect of too much politics. Something i was and will never be comfortable with. It is also because of my experiences of being abused and used by some people that i trusted. Before, i feel very comfortable with anyone but not anymore now. Hmm... I'm thinking of something i had that i do not have anymore now. Maybe i should rest and try not to do everything at the same time. I should also try to lower my disposition so that i can enjoy some private time.
Feeling lazy to talk to people is related to my second issue. This is also because i do not trust them. I am afraid to give more than what i'd like to give and thus i am cautious. But honestly, i do miss being trusted also, i miss the late night calls, i miss the tears in my shoulder, i miss wiping the tears of my friends away and making them laugh everytime they're sad. I ceased to be that person and i don't even understand when that part of me started to wither away.
Well, fourth point goes the same.
here i am again, i feel lazy to speak out my mind. This is enough for now.
I hope i can remember what i used to tell myself before "Love the imperfections, for they make life exciting and colorful"... definitely they make life worth living because you live to better yourself not only for yourself but for your God.
